There are two reason causing my "stress". 1) There are really alot of things to do. 2) There are not alot of things to do, but I have poor time management and hence am feeling stressed over little things..
If 1) is true, then I have the peace of God that this one year is the time I must learn, I must serve. I must grow. I do not believe in busyness.. i believe in being a good steward of the talents and time God gives us. I believe every seconds counts and there are million of people each day dying without knowing Jesus.. millions of people in this world who are choosing depression, choosing hurts, anger, bitterness, even suicides because there were no one to show them Jesus cares and Jesus loves. The Lord says, "The Harvest is plentiful, but the labourers are few!" How true..
How can i allow myself to spend an hour watching tv (unless it is a break i badly need) when i know there are people around me who badly needs an encouraging letter, phonecall, or even sms?
This morning while on my way to work, i ask the Lord to break my heart for the things that break His, I was talking to God of my busy schdule and the many countless needs there are, i was talking to God of my future, of where He's leading and showing me.. i was telling God that i do not think i would not want to serve in a very busy place like Singapore.. nor a poor village where there are no comfort of a cushion or air con.. then i stop in shocked at my own thoughts..
My first reaction was, i wanted to pray, "Lord, bring me to wherever you want me to! In poverty, in busyness, wherever..!" but i did not pray that.. because i know i am not ready.. i am afraid of hardships.. how many of us Christians would claim to love God and serve Him to the ends of the earth, but yet, like me, I'm afraid and not willing to go..
So i prayed, Lord, break my heart.. for whatever that breaks your heart.. you told us to follow your example, and that's what Jesus did.. He gave up the luxuary, peace and comfort of being next to the Heavenly Father to be on earth with human, to serve, to suffer, to feel pain of betrayal, disappointment, of flesh when he was whipped and cruxified.. so did paul and the other apostles.. they can just stay where they are and be the synagogue leaders.. in the comfort of their home.. managing the people.. but they chose to go from places to places.. to go without food, without clothes, to be imprisoned.. they forgo what thir flesh desires.. comfort..
I found myself praying, Lord, help me, break my heart for what your heart is broken for, let me have compassion for who you have compassion. that i may truely follow your example..
I could not pray, "Lord, let me go," but i prayed, "Lord, help me be ready to go"
So, if 1) is true, then let me be a faithful steward during this time of my commitment that i may be a "profitable servant" (Luke 17:10) Though I am busy, i am joyful (and stressed) that i have played a part, even though small in God's Kingdom here.. that though the beach is full of starfishes, it matters to the the one that I returned to the sea.
I believe this one year of serving, i will truely learn much that will benefit my future ministry. Hence, this time is worthy!
If 2) is true, then my soul is sad. (not extremely sad, but just "sober") because there is so much more i need to learn, to be trained, to be equipt so that i may be efficient for my Lord. Then, may His Strength be made perfect in my weakness! So that I will be faithful to do what I do, and God will glorify His Name in His Way! Then, the more I must go through this time, to learn, to manage, to handle..
"bUt i tRuSt iN yOuR uNfaILiNg lOvE..."