i'm NOT blogging!

this entry is especially for those of you who are so nice to drop by though you know i'm not blogging..keke..


changed the outlook to create a deceptive, "new look".


it has been... well. a learning time for me.. just picked up <purpose driven life> lately to do.. yes, finally, though it was given to me more than a year ago.. but i believe it's God's timing for me at this time..


i am reminded, life's "a test and trust" (day6?). in all that we go thru, it's a test that God's allowing us, to see if it makes us stronger, or it breaks us up. our goal, is to be like Christ.. and in peaceful times, it's not difficult to be an angel.. but when the temperature is raised, do we yield and melt into the Potter's Hands to be remoulded, or we we crack up like bad pottery..


yielding, the giving up of rights..


"brokeness, brokeness is what You want from me.."


 

6 Comments 8.4.05 08:34, comment

food for thoughts.


The national anthem of hell is, "I Did It My Way."


                                                 -- Peter Kreeft


 

2 Comments 11.3.05 03:30, comment

Thank you for praying for me..

this morn, after a struggle, i managed to do my QT (quiet time)


This morning as i was struggling to wake up, the first thing i could mutter was, "God, help me!" i was so tired i could not wake, but in the midst of my trying to wake up, i kept calling out to Jesus.. there were so much frustration that i could not express within myself and all i could mutter was .. "Jesus! Help me.. Lord.. help me..."


I wanted to wake up for QT.. my spirit was eager, but my flesh was weak..


after an hour of struggling to wake, i woke.. and after washing up, i sat down to spend time with God..


God is good, He is Faithful.. even when we are faithless, He remains Faithful.. He cannot deny Himself..


I know that you have been praying for me.. and I want to reap the labour of your prayers.. i knew my heart was not in the presence of God, for I have tasted the goodness in the presence of God and i know that my heart have wandered away..


but this morn.. as i disciplined myself to pray in the spirit before the Lord, God began to lead the short 20mins i have with Him.. He led my thoughts and I began to understand what i had been going through and He gave me insights and encouragement to walk in Him..


I had also been encourageed by a brother who'd heard shared with me the words He'd received from God just before thanksgiving..


"pray to our lord with our best giving thanks...
in any condition where we r,
and dont be hesitate to stay under the star where he appoint us to be."


indeed, during this season, let us continue to give thanks.


Happy belated thanksgiving..


 

2 Comments 1.12.04 04:14, comment

There are two reason causing my "stress". 1) There are really alot of things to do. 2) There are not alot of things to do, but I have poor time management and hence am feeling stressed over little things..


If 1) is true, then I have the peace of God that this one year is the time I must learn, I must serve. I must grow. I do not believe in busyness.. i believe in being a good steward of the talents and time God gives us. I believe every seconds counts and there are million of people each day dying without knowing Jesus.. millions of people in this world who are choosing depression, choosing hurts, anger, bitterness, even suicides because there were no one to show them Jesus cares and Jesus loves. The Lord says, "The Harvest is plentiful, but the labourers are few!" How true..


How can i allow myself to spend an hour watching tv (unless it is a break i badly need) when i know there are people around me who badly needs an encouraging letter, phonecall, or even sms?


This morning while on my way to work, i ask the Lord to break my heart for the things that break His, I was talking to God of my busy schdule and the many countless needs there are, i was talking to God of my future, of where He's leading and showing me.. i was telling God that i do not think i would not want to serve in a very busy place like Singapore.. nor a poor village where there are no comfort of a cushion or air con.. then i stop in shocked at my own thoughts..
My first reaction was, i wanted to pray, "Lord, bring me to wherever you want me to! In poverty, in busyness, wherever..!" but i did not pray that.. because i know i am not ready.. i am afraid of hardships.. how many of us Christians would claim to love God and serve Him to the ends of the earth, but yet, like me, I'm afraid and not willing to go..



So i prayed, Lord, break my heart.. for whatever that breaks your heart.. you told us to follow your example, and that's what Jesus did.. He gave up the luxuary, peace and comfort of being next to the Heavenly Father to be on earth with human, to serve, to suffer, to feel pain of betrayal, disappointment, of flesh when he was whipped and cruxified.. so did paul and the other apostles.. they can just stay where they are and be the synagogue leaders.. in the comfort of their home.. managing the people.. but they chose to go from places to places.. to go without food, without clothes, to be imprisoned.. they forgo what thir flesh desires.. comfort..
I found myself praying, Lord, help me, break my heart for what your heart is broken for, let me have compassion for who you have compassion. that i may truely follow your example..
I could not pray, "Lord, let me go," but i prayed, "Lord, help me be ready to go"


So, if 1) is true, then let me be a faithful steward during this time of my commitment that i may be a "profitable servant" (Luke 17:10) Though I am busy, i am joyful (and stressed) that i have played a part, even though small in God's Kingdom here.. that though the beach is full of starfishes, it matters to the the one that I returned to the sea.


I believe this one year of serving, i will truely learn much that will benefit my future ministry. Hence, this time is worthy!


If 2) is true, then my soul is sad. (not extremely sad, but just "sober") because there is so much more i need to learn, to be trained, to be equipt so that i may be efficient for my Lord. Then, may His Strength be made perfect in my weakness! So that I will be faithful to do what I do, and God will glorify His Name in His Way! Then, the more I must go through this time, to learn, to manage, to handle..


pS 13:5
"bUt i tRuSt iN yOuR uNfaILiNg lOvE..."

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

4.11.04 03:54, comment

Three Stories-18 sept

The most beautiful thing happened as I seek the Lord today in my desperateness today..

As I knelt in prayer, the first picture appear to me. I saw myself sitting with Jesus at what looked like the inside of a coffee cafe. jesus was talking to me. As we were talking, I felt this:

 

In life, people can never ever comprehend how you really feel. We'd put up blog entries and live journals, hoping to express ourselves so that perhaps some people we love will read and know how we truely feel deep inside.. there'll never be someone who can fully understand the wide array of full emotions you experience except the Lord Jesus, He alone can comprehend. he alone understands the whole immense experience. He alone satisfies..

 

This simple fact brings inexpressible comfort to my distressed soul.

 

The second picture, I saw Jesus and myself walking by a huge garden with a lake.. (looked almost like the singapore botanical garden) Jesus was talkin to me and pointing out what we see.

 

Matt6:28, ""And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

 

I felt the Lord telling me, "Child, i am in full control and I have full sovereignty. Everything is in my hands. Nothing is out of control no matter how it may appear to you.. I give wisdom, understanding and capabiities to whoever I want to. I will raise up whoever for whichever time I know is best. Child, trust in me. As you have trusted me fully in your finaces and in your future, now place the same absolute trust in me for your present, for all that you are facing and going through. Trust that I am in control and I will acheive all that I want to acheive. Trust and Rest in me."

 

Third scene, The Lord brought me to the top of a very tall tower, we were looking down on the land and all the buildings. In the distance, i can also see the sky and the sea.

 

The Lord continued, " Look beyond what is before you. Look from above, see the bigger picture, understand from my perspective. Remember the dreams i'd placed in your heart and continue in faith. Ps 138, The Lord will fullfill His purposes for me..."

 

Finally, the last scene, I was sitting opposite with Jesus in a Japanese styled room. we were dressed as samurai and I was sitting opposite Him, my Lord.

 

The most amazing thing transisted in this room that i let it remain unsaid between me and my Lord... ;p

 

after all that's been said, i know this is only the begining of a new journey of pain..

 

A dear sister prayed for me and gave me the following words,

 

"She is like the butterfly still in the cocoon, she
is going the struggle so that her wings can be strong to fly to greater
heights, do not stop the struggle.  Be fair to her,do not try to snip the
skin of the cocoon."

 

indeed..amen. I pray that I'll be surrendered to the Lord and all He'll do in my life.

21.9.04 08:45, comment

17 Sept Journal

In the past few days, I'd learnt how weak, how lousy, how crushable i am. yesterday, i totally cracked up.. crying, sobbing like a baby becos of frustrations.. i'm ashamed to admit that it's no big issue, maybe i'm just tired, frustrated of trying to balance and find the meeting point of everybody's needs, maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe, it's burnt out..may be it's just me..


i'd realised i'm NOT capable, when things come together, i just cannot handle.. I'm impatient, i get frustrated when things do not go as planned.. I'm need to learn to trust in God for things to be in control.. I'm still so proud, so unteachable, though i want to learn, i hate to admit i'm wrong.. i live in my baby world of values, refusing to grow up, refusing to let go and let God. I cry foul and gets frustrated when the ice cream man does not deliver on time..


Oh.. what a wretched man i am, what an untamed, unruly babarian, so weak, so insignificant.. desperately in need of a saviour..


=======


those of you who are reading this.. thank you for loving me and caring enuf to drop by my blog.. i try to be as real as i can.. myself.. my weakness. and i ask for your patience in your dealings with me as i am still learning. thank you.


 

2 Comments 21.9.04 08:40, comment

Journal on 1 Sept

I feel so silly, reading my bible when a dejected man standing next to me is puffing away..obviously troubled.

Last Sunday, a man came to me to ask for $2, I did not give him the money, instead I chose to buy him lunch.

I went home thinking why had I not taken the opportunity to share about Jesus' love for him? Why was I eager to give him the lunch and leave him?

What was I doing?

The other day, on my way home, I walked past an elderly lady rummaging through the rubbish bin looking for something valuable to collect.. my heart was stirred, and all I did was to walk past and said a prayer..

What was I thinking about?

 

I am planning to go Cambodia for mission trip at the end of the year.. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the faces I saw at the slumps on the video, but here am I not knowing what to do for my very own neighbor.. My heart is broken, but what should I do?

1 Comment 18.9.04 15:49, comment

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